School 0: Universal

Disclaimer: If you don't understand what's happening, it's okay. This could be anyone's story if it's not yours.

I'm not really one for dramatics or perpetrating drama. However...

School 1: Abjuration

And her chest is full to bursting with thoughts of an evening
Nobody nobody nobody will ever know her longing

Things went quiet for quite a long time. There was a barrier set-up, in this regard. It wasn't evasion, it was protection. Not from any one here, really, but here in general. We both sheltered ourselves with it, and we worked on the problems inside. The only problems that really matter at all, to be honest. The kind that makes you realize that you're not inside a shield, but finally outside of the biosphere and into the universe. There was no malice in this. No one was running away.

School 2: Conjuration

Prisoners, be silent, be silent and be sharp
Can you hear them talking? Listen through the wall:

Creation: Lies make lies worse. Even those half truths and small faults will roll up everything. You all did, but only about half of you know it.

Healing: There was a lot of things going on in her life, basically. I could've said everything, but part of it being that I don't expect people to buy into the dramatics, and I'm not one to say things on behalf of others when I don't believe they need to be said at all. Needless to say, though, as bad as things got (and they got worse than you can think) they were getting better.

Calling: A message appeared a week or more before. Nice little "hope things are well". Very snide, very sarcastic, and I told her not to worry about it. We both anticipated something, but we also had faith that there wouldn't be a monster lurking in the halls. Can you hear them talking? Listen through the wall.

Teleportation: When that first public message broke, I panicked. I was not expecting it, I did not anticipate it, and neither did she. Truth be told, maybe we should have been more aware that you can't step outside the circle too long. You had called her, emailed her, no one else had. Creation made this worse than it ever could be.

Summoning: What I didn't know was how deep the rabbit hole went until it swallowed me up. Of course, that didn't happen until later. She was summoned. She was told that if she didn't come out with an explanation she'd be lauded. Then she was told it had to be public. Then she was told it wasn't enough. Then she was told to tell everything.

There was a message that was sent out. Everyone's seen it. That's all I can assume.

And Richmond St. is illing, so the graduates are willing
To buy in to the pillage, now there is no hope for the village

School 3: Divination

Hey Timothy
I wish for clairvoyance
I wanna see my wife and kids
And how I will live and how I will die
(Son you should!)

I really told her that she should be public about things. Not everything. God. Why? But as much as she could. I thought that it was all about the books. I thought that head was the weak spot, but it was a Hydra. I was certain that if she just said a few details, people would be fine and give her time. That was my prediction.

I decided to speak for her. I talked for quite a long time, I tried to understand a bit more. I thought it was about the books. I can't remember when I found out about everything. But talking and keeping this openness allowed me to uncover what was conjured. What was summoned.

It had been her fear for a long time that this would come up. She told me about everything. Everything. A long time ago. He knew, too, but he couldn't remember. He also couldn't trust anything I said that she said.

"I knew there was more to this."

I guess I did, too. I've never heard you that sad or hopeless. I'm still mad that this was done under that flag of righteousness. I've seen that flag flown into war a hundred times to cover up the smiles on people's faces.

School 4: Enchantment

For some the spell was shafted, but I am in your sway
Yes, I am still enchanted by the ways of yesterday

She's been told a hundred times what's best for her and what's best for me. What's being said is what's best for everyone else. Those thoughts, though, kept us apart and continue to push at everything. We try not to let it, we are swayed by those notions of times before that, but it's hard to see past what's being said. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I'm not disillusioned. I can hear your murmurs, even now. I'm physically ill from the noise. I can barely stand now thinking about it.

Charm: When you're approached by someone in a positive manner, it's hard to take it any other way if you do trust them. I trusted everyone who talked to me. Everyone. Trusted. I was told that things were done for ME, and that people were looking out for ME. That wasn't the case, I just can't believe that. Everything that has happened has hurt me just as much as her, and not because of what has been said, but the fact that it has been said at all.

Compulsion: She told me it was over. I told her everything would be okay. I talked again.

But all my efforts have only made
An army of greedy gays

School 5: Evocation

Got a daughter who'll eat anything
They like to feed her words, words, words
And tell her, Watch for the plague, girl, check your stool
Or we'll send you to reformatory school

She took it to heart, really, and so did I. She was told that if she left and left she'd be doing the right thing. I told her not to run away from her problems. I told her that she shouldn't have to move on until she's ready.

I asked for trust. I tried to create something out of nothing.

To pull out the metaphor from that, I tried to tell everyone involved to trust me that everything was fine. We were working things out and there was no ill intention here. Things were askew.

I have been in her house. I have met her parents, played cards with them. I won, too. Just so you know. I've walked her dog (I pet him for you, Janna. Had to state my intentions so they were real. "I am petting you for Janna." I said. He's a dog, though, and probably didn't care.) I tamed the evil cat (not without a few scratches) and screamed at her broken TV when we tried to watch Deal or No Deal. I am a part of her life, and that's why I think you can trust me. That's why none of you trust me.

I made her breakfast one morning. Cold kitchen tiles and cats. Wondering if she spent the whole night on the computer or snuck in to take more photos of me sleeping (and post them in dAlit!!!)

That's why I asked for things not to be brought out in public. I think I asked the wrong person.

There's a word for all you keep inside
And though you try to hide it, we will write it!

School 6: Illusion

Escape! Escape! This time, for real!
We fool around in the service lane
He's the only friend I have who doesn't do cocaine

I think we thought things were alright for a while. You've heard the songs. You've heard those songs. I can't believe you heard the songs.

When things didn't happen as expediently as expected, I expected that things get expedited. Every facet had to be invaded. Every part that was outside the circle, now, had to be compromised. She had already lost trust, now let her lose control. Who'd believe her.

We didn't talk on Skype for almost a week.

A few people had approached from behind everything. They said that they were mad, but they said that they were okay. They weren't. The talking persisted.

That night I was told that they'd heard. EVERYTHING.

I wonder what they gained that night. I wonder if they talked amongst themselves about how stupid I was. I wonder if they said that she was manipulating me. I wonder how many talked. I wonder how many listened and said "I feel really bad about this." but still listened to every single one. All of them. I guess you were looking for something. Did you find it?

Fuck.

School 7: Necromancy

His greatest trophy is this myth
Every sailor, salmon, every carp will follow rivers to the source
Only the dead will know the course, and furthermore...
Do you really want to know of the afterworld?

Lazarus, can you hear me? Lazarus, I am coming.

Lazarus, I am come again.

When it came down to it, it died. I watched it die. But I knew it'd rise again, because nothing can that candle that went out started a fire that's caught the curtains. The house is burning down now, the neighbours brought the gasoline.

The summoner had folded his hand. I told her to call the cops. I pleaded for her to call the cops. She did. Brass brought down the beast, but she knew it wasn't over. I knew it wasn't either, but I had really hoped. We collected our items, we moved on to the next level. I think we were prepared. I still think we're prepared, but there was a few blows we could never see coming.

I've only been overwhelmed twice in this whole ordeal. Both of them had nothing to do with anything I've talked about here. The bottom line is that I've learned nothing new about her, and I've said that time and time again. Maybe that's why people suddenly became quiet. They believed I was "being misled".

I am not naive.

I am actually angry.

I wasn't until 3 people asked me, within an hour, if I was okay. 1 person specifically who had no business to really know what had transpired. Not this whole situation, but that things had broken off. 3 people. Within an hour. How could I ever trust anyone of you ever again with anything? I am not mad at the people from coming to talk to me. Far from it. I am mad that they knew. The problem with mentioning this is that now all the talk will go back behind closed doors again. Where's it's been.

Where it would remain. Until it rose again.

Lazarus, I am come again.

School 8: Transmutation

For all my wily ways
I cannot not not turn back into the boy
It's a tearful day when a boy must learn his limitations

When it comes down to it, I am not mad for what has been said anymore. I know that there is hurt, and I know the way that people deal with it. However, I'm going to say to 90% of you: Get over it. Your malice, your venom is basically bile and is simply used to perpetrate thoughts from others. If you've got no stake or information besides condescending comments behind closed doors, then take a walk. I had basically pleaded for things to turn out a certain way, but people can't see eye to eye. It's no one's fault; it's every one's fault. I used to know some people that would really look at things differently in this situation, but just can't anymore.

At the end of the day I'm not actually angry anymore. I am upset at some of the things that happened, and I can never say things in confidence to people anymore. I've been humiliated behind closed doors now quite a bit. Everything you've done to her you've done to me, so there's no use in being protective. I'm not being misled. There's nothing that has shown me that I have. The past is brutal, yes. I walked that road. But I walked that road. I'm down that road now and the path was rough but I am still standing. I'll be fine.

The bottom line of it is that I don't feel that there's anything we can't talk about anymore. It's taken a while to get there, but the reason that no one's shocked me yet is because she's told me pretty much anything she can. If I'm going to start believing, now, everything on that link, what does that say about me? Who's not to say I'm misled by that? Aren't enough people who have been involved with this for years saying things that show that it's not really all it seems to be?

There's nothing that can be done anymore. Well, that's not true, there's lots that could be done. But I'm ready to face everything here, with her. I care for her. She does for me. We love each other. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I'm not hiding anything. This isn't sordid or sinister, this is just me and her working out what's happened and trying to enjoy just having each other around. Trying to go ONE DAY without drama (unsuccessfully). I know this isn't exactly going to STOP drama, hence my Universal. There's a lot of legitimate hurt, anger and anguish right now. People have lost face, lost faith and lost fate with what's happened and I am not anything if understanding of that. Even she isn't mad at you for what you said. And she never meant that you were stupid. Moreover, she just knew you weren't capable of it. You aren't. You've even told me that.

Things have changed. There's no more fear lingering, and as much as we're all afraid of somethings, we all can breath easier when those are finally over.

The atheist is dead.

Can you hear it?

Guess what?!

Too late. It's Canadian Music Week. This means I can officially babble about music to random people all around the place and have that as my excuse. It's pretty awesome.

There's a convention in the self-appointed centre of the Universe (a.k.a. Toronto) this week of radio and music personalities. It's basically a big circle jerk about how great they all are, and how many bands they've projected to the top of the charts by playing non-stop. However, there are also a lot of shows coming up this weekend all around, and it's absolutely something worth checking out if you live in the area.

book++;

I haven't read a good book in a long while. Last year I was pretty much going from one to the next every single week. I was on a pretty good role. It all stopped when my last job starting getting crazy.

That said, I have ordered a few books from various people on site to give them a try. The first one of that batch has arrived!

`imperfect's book "Learning to Walk in Heels" finally arrived at my doorstep (actually my mailbox down the street, but it doesn't sound as elegant) on Wednesday. I have to say, it looks pretty damn good. The guy who designed that book must be a pretty fantastic artist.

Also came with another version of the book, a found poetry edition, that I am planning to leave near a bus stop or bench near where I work and hope it doesn't get tossed out. I've read a lot of this work before, but it's really good to get it in writing. I was very happy to receive this.

CALM THE F DOWN

Very often in my life, I have people ask me "Cosh, how do you stay so cool under pressure?" After I stop screaming at them, I usually answer in the same way. "Why, that's simple! Music, of course."

And it's mostly true. I can easily dictate my behaviour by what I throw onto a playlist, even when I don't really WANT to listen to it. So, on the them of staying calm, I will now introduce you to some more mellow and fun bands that keep me on the level. Of course, this feature will only feature Canadian bands, because I can. And this week only with the letter F.

Final Fantasy - Toronto, Ontario
Feist - Calgary, Alberta
Faunts - Edmonton, Alberta
Frog Eyes - Vancouver, British Columbia
Fly Pan Am - Montréal, Québec

So, go forth with your new letter and frolic, frivolously and feverishly, fighting your slowly furrowing brow. Take flight and quell your furious nature with some fun, faint and unflippant tracks.

There's at least one more f-word I expect to hear.

Other things

I am slowly recovering here. If you've sent me a note with no reply, expect one rather soon.

Lifeism
Time for one of those life update things. My job has been both exceptionally challenging and draining, but also very rewarding. I'm doing something that takes place in a field that I really, really, really wanted to explore before finishing my degree, and I am learning a lot. At the same time, I've been given more responsibilities and been under the gun way more than with any job I've ever had. Constant deadlines, customers and projects that take up all of my time. As such, I'm usually shut down.

However, I'm in the groove. The last two weeks I have spent catching up. I'm doing my best to get things done around here and more. I'll address that later.

Lent is here. I've given up Chicken Wings and Coca-cola. I will not make it.

Coshisms
`triptychr tagged me. 6 Weird Things About Me!

1. I hate having my fingerprints on anything. That includes my phone, screen, but also things like doors and windows. I'll usually wipe down any area I touch with my bare hand. I don't know why.
2. I have never watched a full episode of Seinfeld.
3. I get obsessed with lines from songs to a point where they have to become journal titles.
4. I know more about hockey and video games than I do about Computers...the thing I go to University for.
5. I am known for having the 1up as my symbol. I have shirts, hats and my computer wallpaper with the mushroom on it.
6. I laugh to myself a lot because I will remember a good joke. It scares the crap out of people around me. Especially on the train.

I'll tag: *emothemurdok, `youthculture, `tangledweb, @tmpst24myst, ~Jon-Law, `TheInternet

Cipherisms
Below is a message I have encrypted. No, you can't ask for hints.

Nolskd kjaj daieu. Loskdk eeww iwqioid iasd, iwudaush, fasidiasd mdn m tjandn d das qpw z dll okr kddam, dadkmdeur. Yeks mdkai kd.

dAisms
I'd like to apologize for anyone waiting on things from me. I've been slowed down due to jobs, but I'm taking care of things in the following order:

1. Contest prizes (a few outstanding)
2. HD and Notes
3. DD suggestions

Also, you should definitely check out this article by ^dedredhed. A really cool gift exchange project that you should really take a look at. GO NOW!

Wiiisms?
Thinking of getting a new game for the Wii. There's been a few come out lately, and I've certainly played quite a few. Ravin' Rabbids was actually a lot of fun. Wii Play is reasonably entertaining. I'm thinking of renting SSX Blur, but I'll decide that tomorrow. Tonight I'm heading out.

I think it's about time for an update!

First off, I do plan on continuing my last installment, but I've been a bit busy. HERE'S WHY:

Jeeeearrb

I finally started my new job last week. I had been now a month without work, and I was starting to go a little stir crazy. The project that I was working on has recently fallen through the cracks in a pretty big way, so it looks like my post-graduate ideas are halted for now until I can find something new to pursue.

My new job is pretty cool. Nice office, but very boring atmosphere. The students who work on my floor are very introverted, don't go to lunch and pretty much just read all day when they aren't working. Which is, needless to say, a lot of the time. So it'll be tough when times are slow. I'm working with some pretty cool technologies, though, which are really pertinent to what I'm doing in school, and probably what I'd like to do in the future. I hate programming, but I like some of it, and I'm basically doing just that...some programming but not enough that it's my full job.

Old man

Another thing that has kept me a bit busy was birthday stuff. Yes, I'm old now. Turned 22 last week and I really don't feel any older or any of that stuff. It's cool that it's divisible by 11, but that's about it. It's not really a milestone for me, but it's really been an...interesting year. I hope that this year will be good. It's also my FINAL YEAR OF UNIVERSITY, so I'm kind of nervous about the future. I'm seriously considering leasing a car in the summer. Big step.

Man, I'm old.

I got a few cool things for my b-day. I got too much Wii stuff, to be honest. Wii backpack (sling bag for carrying games), and a GIANT INFLATABLE WII REMOTE. Don't ask. I don't know HOW they got it. Also got Leon: The Professional on DVD, The Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox (the first book I ever got for my birthday...hooray!) and Hotel Dusk for DS. Considering I didn't tell anyone, or didn't ask for anything, it was pretty cool. Also, thanks for all the birthday wishes. AND DON'T WORRY IF YOU DIDN'T, because I didn't tell you.

SPEAKING OF BOOKS...

Everyone's favourite author Todd Keisling has released his latest MASTERPIECE upon the world.

There are two parts available on his dA page. Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 give a glimpse into his newest work, and really set-up a very intense story. Although my copy has not arrived yet, I STAND BY THIS PRODUCT (Oh, man, Todd, it had better be good now.)

You can order it from Lulu or by donating some to his paypal (and get a signed copy as a result). You can read more about that in his journal.

ALSO as a bonus, the first 6 people who reply to this will get some free promotional material for ALT. The only stipulation is that you have to leave them in places where you expect that people will see. We're trying to support Todd here, so that he can have his Happily Ever After... so don't get greedy. Just respond to this journal with "I AM BUYING A COPY OF ALT" and you'll get it. Oh, and it'd be good if you honoured that, as well.

Look! Get Up!

The latest Literature Gallery Update just got posted. Go give it some love. Lots of stuff in there, and more to come as the new one will be in less than a month.

More to come...

Well, I've landed. Back in the home of Maple Syrup, OUR MASTER STEPHEN HARPER and the Barenaked Ladies. Well, not just now, but last night I did arrive in style at the airport after another long-haul flight, looking (and likely smelling) like an international flight. Arrived home, briefly told people about some of the things that I did on my last day, and then promptly crashed for 12 hours until this morning.

Been trying to cook up a good way to summarize the whole week. I think that my last journal probably did the best job.

It was a really full week. Honestly, non-stop. First Day (known now only as Day 0) was one of the funniest ways to break the ice. I arrived at Gatwick Airport, again in style, and sat down for a hot chocolate at a crazy expensive shop and typed away on my laptop while waiting for the Hostess to arrive, surprisingly underwhelmed by my experience thus far. Airport looked like an airport, people talked with an accent (which made it a bit awkward to speak, I'll admit, because in all reality I was the one with the accent) and from what I saw out the windows people drove on the wrong side of the road.

First thing, she couldn't find me. Which was kind of funny and frantic. Snow kept her from being on time, and gave me a chance to read over the prose I had written on the plane. I'll be submitting that when I can come up with a good title.

First encounter was funny. She was very nervous, and pretty spent most of the time in the car being so, as well. Apparently, I am intimidating. (Of course, I'm also an idiot. Would you believe that one of the first things I said was "Give us a kiss"? Holy shit.) We stopped for lunch at this small pub in some random town (we totally got lost) and I had my first taste of England. Scampi. It was pretty good, very much like fried shrimp. And J2O drink, which will come back to haunt me later on! Wouldn't let me pay, which will be a reoccurring theme throughout the week.

The drive around led to an hour or so period on the motorway in which I, uhm, was HAUNTED BY JLO! That is, the J2O and Coke Zero I drank started to want out. Of course, by the time I made any indication to my chauffeur that this was the case, it was already a dire situation. This, of course, made it all the more funny, and finally she was less worried about her nervousness and more laughing at the fact that I was begging her to pull over the car so I could answer nature's call. Next service station, 20 miles. Shit.

I did make it, though, to answer all questions. Although the Coke Zero bottle I had left was rather tempting, it just never was a real option.

I slept in the car, so when we arrived, I didn't actually just crash. I explored the house a bit, met the creatures and was surprised at how cold it was (I always thought she was exaggerating about that). Her house is really lovely. It's got a lot of character, and that's not saying it's dinged up, but it's an older place, and really just nice. She keeps it far too clean considering she has two cats and a dog. She would like to tell everyone that she has poetry in every room. In one way or another, she really does.

English people have their clothes wash in the kitchen. What is that about?

The first night we watched the Ring. I can't remember why to be perfectly honest. She turned the channel, said "What's this?" and we watched the first bit.

"Is it scary?"
"Well, not really. Freaked me out, though."
"Was it scarier than The Blair Witch Project?"
"Uhm..."

I never found the Blair Witch scary, so I told her that she should be ready for a bit of a scare. We watched it intently, no commercials (Man, BBC rocks) and she hated me for making me make her watch it. We talked about scary girls walking out of the TV, and if the phone rang we would both start to scream. You can read Conundrum for the morning after story.

Day 1 was a lot of fun. She had an optometrist appointment (they call them opticians there), so we went down to the marketplace by her house and had a bit of a day there. I got to explore a lot of little shops and just get a feel for the smaller, english market. There was even a shop selling Wii games (they had WiiPlay, and I totally wanted to buy it. Damn region encoding)

We went to a second hand shop to look at books. She found a collection by Poe, really damn big book with lots of his work, for only a pound. Great buy. I had a lot of fun reading my favourite story by him, The Cask of Amontillado. We also had breakfast at this really nice little place, where she continued to be nervous (whenever we sat down, it seemed to become more prevalent) and I had eggs and toast for the first time. This would later become evidence for a specific Englishism as I will point out later.

We spent a bit of time out that afternoon looking for an adapter for US->UK plugs, which was a lot of fun. I think it was this day, anyway, that we ended up in a few odd shops and I was dancing to S Club 7 (Because, as we all know, there ain't no party like an S Club Party) and such. She described my fashion sense as "Not nerdy" which I took as a compliment, as I strive for that particular level.

We looked at TVs and such, but then we headed off to Tesco's. Where...we looked at more TVs and such. We also bought some drinks, and lots of food. We set-out specifically to buy food for Fajitas, as Toni told me they were her specialty and I had to have them. We also bought nachos and minced beef (ground beef) and had some cheesy-beefy nachos (Red Leicester Cheese, as well, which I had never had or seen before). So, needless to say, dinner was fantastic. Best fajitas EVER!

Day 2 was movie day. We went to cinema to watch Babel in the afternoon, before the kids would be out of school, and before the evening rush. Just kind of a quiet show, and it was really nice. We also ran into a crazy lady, which was quite hilarious. Let me lay out the situation for you.

Toni goes to the washroom. Gentleman me, I wait outside and look around the place as they display all the statistics the theatre outside each one (which I think is really cool) and suddenly a woman walks by and without hesitation she just starts up a conversation.

"I have been going to see so many movies lately. I am now on my way to another. Have you seen Blood Diamond?"

She goes on and on, I'm really not paying attention. Then Toni comes out, and I figured we'd be off to the cinema, but nope, she keeps talking.

"I really liked this. It was a very interesting movie, I'm going to see Babel now."

Oh no.

"We are headed there right now to get a seat."

"Oh, I've already been in, it's empty."

Crap. Ah, well. Now we're heading in there, and she's gone off, probably to find someone else to talk to. We find a seat, nice and centered. She was right, though, there was no one in there. Then, she showed up.

"Please, please, please don't let her sit next to us." She says to me, really quietly, really hopefully. Of course, her hopes are dashed. The woman stands right in front of us, blocking the movie screen, and starts again.

"I really don't like the Bourne movies. The books are much better. Ludlum is really fantastic."

She goes on and on.

"We really wanted to see Pan's Labyrinth, but it wasn't on."

"Well, it's actually coming out." The crazywoman breaks out a brochure and shoves it in Toni's face. "See, February 2nd to 8th, it'll be here. You know I've seen 7 movies this year? Since January, really."

"Are you from around here, you have a very southern accent."

"No, I was actually sent to a boarding school."

Lights dim. Thank God, she leaves. We have a few moments where she leaves and walks up the aisle and Toni says "Pleaseplease don't let her sit here." She doesn't. We watch the movie. It was really intense, and Toni let a few tears slip (she won't like that I've pointed out what a softy she is) and the movie just ends like that. We walk out, and we joke about it and head off to the pub.

I'll continue this later on. Right now this is getting really long and I've barely scratched the surface. I was planning on ending off the whole story with how great Toni is and what a great time we had, but I need to say it now at least a few times. It was really above and beyond anything I expected and it wasn't a lot of fun leaving. That said, it is nice to be home, and we've got a lot of memories and I've got a stamp on my passport. I'll give you all a bit more a bit later.